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Today's humor

Discussion in 'The VIP Lounge' started by DYohn, Sep 24, 2010.

  1. Randy Rhoton

    Randy Rhoton Well-Known Member Donor War Zone Member

  2. Randy Rhoton

    Randy Rhoton Well-Known Member Donor War Zone Member

  3. GHilinski

    GHilinski Active Member War Zone Member

    Headless man killed in topless bar....
     
  4. DYohn

    DYohn Well-Known Member Donor

    Top Poster Of Month

  5. capsuleri

    capsuleri Well-Known Member

    That's increase in productivity in Sr. Management parlance!
     
  6. Randy Rhoton

    Randy Rhoton Well-Known Member Donor War Zone Member

    Male deep thinking:

    I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.

    The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
    My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing.”



    The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking”



    is because she then would have asked, "About what?”



    At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers



    about various topics, which would lead to other questions.



    Finally, I pondered an age old question:



    Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?



    Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful



    than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?



    Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking,



    I have come up with an answer to that question.



    Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby,



    and even though I obviously couldn't really know,



    here is the reason for my conclusion.



    A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say,



    "It might be nice to have another child.”



    On the other hand, you never hear a guy say,



    "You know, I think I'd like another kick in the nuts.”



    I rest my case. Time for another beer, and then, maybe a nap.

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  7. Dan Driscoll

    Dan Driscoll HTT Refugee Donor War Zone Member

    You sir, are a true master of the philosophical arts!

    [​IMG]
     
  8. CJ

    CJ Well-Known Member Admin War Zone Member

  9. Pete Mazz

    Pete Mazz Active Member War Zone Member

  10. Randy Rhoton

    Randy Rhoton Well-Known Member Donor War Zone Member

    CJ, empty outline all I see here.
     
  11. John F

    John F Active Member War Zone Member

    Four surgeons sit around discussing their favorite patients.

    The first surgeon says, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up, everything is in alphabetical order".
    The second surgeon says, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up, everything is in numerical order".
    The third surgeon says, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up, everything is color coded."
    The fourth surgeon says, "I like operating on politicians."
    The other three surgeons look at each other in disbelief.
    The fourth surgeon continues, "Because they're heartless, gutless, spineless, and the ass and head are interchangeable."
     
  12. Denton

    Denton Well-Known Member War Zone Member

    John, your joke trumps all others. :yes:
     
  13. jasn

    jasn Well-Known Member Donor

    THE (TEXT) CONFESSION

    Hi Fred, this is Alan next door. I have a confession to make. I've been feeling guilty these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you, but at least I'm telling you now in a text message as I feel bad about you not knowing.

    The truth is I have been sharing your wife a lot lately. In fact, probably more than you. I haven’t been able to get it at home recently, but that's no excuse, I know. The temptation was too much. I feel so guilty and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies. It won't happen again. Please suggest a usage fee and I'll pay you.

    Regards, Alan.

    THE ACTIONS

    Fred, feeling betrayed and insulted, grabbed his gun ​rushed next door and shot his neighbor dead. He returned home, poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa to reflect. Then he took out his phone and saw he had a second message from his neighbor:

    SECOND MESSAGE

    Hi Fred, Alan here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I guess you figured it out anyway - the damned Auto-Correct changed ‘wi-fi’ to 'wife.’ Technology, hey?

    Regards, Alan
     
  14. Carl V

    Carl V Well-Known Member Donor War Zone Member

  15. capsuleri

    capsuleri Well-Known Member

  16. capsuleri

    capsuleri Well-Known Member

    A timely Johnny Carson Monologue

    I heard on Antenna TV promo for rerun Johnny Carson show. Looked for the exact one on the web did not find it> I think I captured it correctly -

    This year’s election is like a pregnancy we wait 9 months to find out what we get while being nauseous all the way!!
     
  17. Randy Rhoton

    Randy Rhoton Well-Known Member Donor War Zone Member

    Irish mob boss Patrick O'Hanrahan was found this morning beaten to death with a bag of Hummel figurines in what police are calling the first recorded case of a knickknack paddy whack.
     
  18. Denton

    Denton Well-Known Member War Zone Member

    Groan.... :yes:
     
  19. capsuleri

    capsuleri Well-Known Member

    Afghani women still walk five paces behind...

    Smart!!
     

    Attached Files:

  20. capsuleri

    capsuleri Well-Known Member

    Guts vs Balls

    There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls.

    We've heard colleagues referring to people with Guts, or with Balls.
    Do they, however, know the difference between them?
    Here's the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal: Volume 323; page 295.

    GUTS - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom,
    and having the Guts to ask: Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?

    BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer,
    lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: "You're next, Chubby"

    I trust this clears up any confusion.

    Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome; both are fatal.
     

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